Change

I am the person I do not want to be.

First, I want to say that I am not the "picture of health"; not by any means. I have a good 40 lbs. to loose. I have had high blood pressure issues for the last 15 years and I dislike the thought of exercise (sweaty = gross).

Not long ago, I sat captivated by documentaries of people who are obese and bedridden. I wondered, who is bringing them all that unhealthy food and how can they live knowing they are helping this person do harm to themselves?

I just realized… I AM THAT PERSON!

As I type my thoughts, my husband is sleeping next to me. I should say he is sleeping and breathing on and off. He sleeps, deeply snores, and then stops breathing. I smack at him with a pillow, and he starts breathing again. My husband went to the doctor yesterday. His weight has gone well into the 300 lb. range. Through the night, I wake often as he frequently stops breathing. I know I am weird: the snoring lulls me to sleep, and the lack of it causes me to wake instantly. I shake him hard enough to start him breathing again and sometimes enough to ask him to put on his breathing mask, which he usually will not do. He is becoming dependent on my inability to sleep. He has lost all regard for his health. I will not sit around and do nothing about this anymore.

I do not like to nag him about his increasing weight. I tell myself it is because I don’t want him to think my love is conditional upon his weight. I think it’s an excuse - an easy out so I don’t have to deal with it.

At this point, my husband is still able to walk around, drive a car, and get around by himself, although at times it is very difficult for him. I’m asking myself, how long will this go on before he has a heart attack, is bedridden, or worse?

I have been a weakling.

I feed my children things they should not be eating because I do not want to hear the grief I get when setting healthier food before them. I do not discuss my husband’s current weight with him, as I do not want to stir up conflict. In the meantime, I put on my blinders and feed my family things that are creating addictions and causing potentially serious health issues for the future. Am I waiting for there to be a health crisis with one of my beloved family members?

I have come to the realization that I have a whole lot more control over this than I think I do. I can choose one of two options: grief now, or grief later.

I choose grief now.

I know this won’t be easy, but look where easy got me. I am bracing myself for the winds of change. I am making a plan of action.